Performance Evaluation

These photos were taken over a month ago when SMART was in Louisville, on campus at Brown-Forman, against the better wishes of his attorney.   SMART has been called to the heart of Bourbon land for his annual employee evaluation, or PPA, as it is called at Brown-Forman.  SMART was startled and shocked when the DHL courier arrived at our garage one morning with the ‘mandatory invitation to attend’ his PPA in front of the entire extended Executive Committee of the company.  When SMART was initially hired, which was in no small measure due to the fine efforts of the Credit Union arranging finances, he was under the belief that he was not a fully vested member of the Sales Team, but rather an addition to the ‘Tool Box’, who’s role would be to bring a ’swagger’ back to the organization.   

The DHL courier had scarcely in her truck when SMART was on his hands free mobile calling MK at the corporate office to ask her about his employment status.  While he waited for the call to go through, he quickly plowed into all of the BF Organization  Charts looking for his name as a member of the sales organization, not just a new tool in a toolbox.  He came up with a big fat goose egg, and in a huff, hung up.  Dutifully he made arrangements with UPS, of course, to go to Louisville.  Less than thirty-six hours later SMART was deplaning in The ‘ville and on his way to the Campus. 

SMART was, and still is, traumatized by the experience.  Early one morning several weeks ago, as he was doing ‘bourbon chasers’, he asked me to pen this weeks installment of his American saga.  I’ll tip my hand by telling you that SMART’s PPA was a wash, fifty percent positive, and fifty percent horrendous, mostly due to SMART’s irreverence.  Let me explain. 

The PPA was divided into two parts, wine and spirits. 

His performance against Brown-Forman’s wine brands programming and F’09 plans was deemed to be at the  ’Fully Exceeds’ level.  SMART was a genius to wear a set  Eleven Tongues magnets when he came to Louisville.  He scored points, big time on this one.  His German Flag decal on the rear bumper showed that he respected the efforts that the Fetzer Team had gone to, to keep in stock on Riesling.  When a member of the EC saw the ‘Made in France’ plate on SMART’s driver side frame, they knew that he could be trusted to sell not just Michel Picard, but any Burundian style wine, i.e. Sonoma-Cutrer.  The Italia decal on SMART’s rear hatch window won him the favor of all of the Bolla fans on the EC.  The Virgin Vines aficionados fell in love with SMART’s set of ‘fuzzy dice’, hanging from his inside rear view mirror.  And then, there was the coup de grâce when SMART said that he would allow himself to be ‘wrapped’ in a Fetzer Sustainability Theme.  The EC went ‘gaga’ at the thought of SMART driving, literally, hundreds of thousands of media impressions on the eco message for the Fetzer Brand.   

At this point of  SMART’s PPA he had climbed to the highest peak of the mountain, and he was King. Then the road gave way. 

As the questioning moved into the Spirits side of the portfolio, SMART was clearly navigating an uncertain road.  He was asked what he had done recently to build Finlandia distribution, and stupidly he responded not much other than trying to run on 80 proof mango, rather than his usual e84 ethanol.  Bad answer.  He was asked who makes the best whiskey in the world, and he responded the Irish and the Scots.  Another bad answer. The EC Chair phrased the question another way by asking SMART, where is the best Bourbon in the world made.  Stupid SMART said ‘in the woods.’ 

Another Committee member then asked SMART what he would do with a bottle of Pepe’ Lopez Tequila.  Smarty pants SMART said he would use it to chase shots of bourbon.  A very bad answer.  The line of questioning then shifted when SMART was asked if he had ever been to Tuaca.  He responded positively, “Yes, once after I had six bourbon chasers.”  An even worse answer.  SMART was now down to his last chance to prove his spirits medal with the Executive Committee.  He was asked how many ‘Buy he Barrel’ programs he had personally sold of Jack Daniel’s Single Barrel.  As should have been expected SMART said “None, the shipper won’t fit in my rear storage area.”  SMART was fried, kaput, utterly finished, and discredited. 

SMART was put on a ‘Spirits Performance Plan’ and told that he had twenty-four hours to learn everything there is to know about distilled spirits. 

“No problem”, SMART responded. 

To be continued  . . . . . .

 

Factory Direct

 

The woman of the house wears the financial pants in our family, and she does not miss a beat to save a buck.  For instance, let me tell you what she did to avoid paying our local Mercedes dealer the normal slew of delivery charges, dealer prep fees, local and state taxes, destination processing fees, first tank of gas charge, and daily parking fees.  Brittany (that is a fictitious name), ordered SMART for me, and she found a way to order him Factory Direct. 

I was closely watching Brittany April last (2007), and I can honestly tell you now that she spent three weeks, nine days, thirty-two hours, and fifty-nine minutes surfing the Goggle International Yellow Pages for a way to purchase a SMART Car, and not have to pay more than $299 dollars in delivery fees.  Bless her heart, she was ecstatic when she came across an internet company in Liechtenstein that specializes in shipping oversized packages to rich Americans.  SMART qualified as the oversized package, I do not know how, but Brittany had to lie about being a rich American (She is married to me), but she got the job done.  The company, OMATW,  is run by a retired Swiss Army Special Forces Major, his American wife, and both of their mothers.  OMATW is short for one man and three women.   

Brittany wired Euros in the exact amount of the French Factory Showroom FOB, plus $299 to OMATW.  They promised to make the SMART purchase avoiding any additional government fees and taxes because of their special government status as a, two mother-in-law burdened company.   

On delivery the UPS Freight driver was great.  He put the wheels back on SMART before he pulled the vehicle out of the truck, and even sprayed air freshener in the cabin area.  Mercedes ships SMARTs without their wheels on in order to gain eight inches of height per vehicle.  This enables them to stack SMARTS twenty seven cars high in the container ships, thus reducing UPS shipping fees.  The wheels are stored for transit in the oversized cargo area of each car. 

After I let Calvin take a quick spin in SMART he was off to his next stop, and I dashed into the house to write this story.

 

Smile SMART!

 

I received a phone call on Tuesday of this week, when SMART was at the fitness center working off a few spare pounds,  from KW inquiring as to whether or not  SMART and I use a ghost writer to pen our weekly travel adventures.  I was aghast that KW had the audacity to ask such a question.  Absolutely not, I responded.  SMART and I travel together, and we write together – alone.  I explained to KW that since SMART’s full name is ‘SMART for Two’, that there was no room for a ghost writer to travel with us.  Besides, SMART has his own pocket thesaurus and dictionary of American slang. 

SMART, in fact, is fluent in four languages, English, French, Italian, and his native German, having studied prose at the Sorbonne in Paris, and  I once took a correspondence course in correspondence. 

As I was about to say, SMART and I made our first excursion to Atlanta this Sunday past, and as one might expect, we attracted much attention.  The photo above was three minutes in the making and was shot at speeds varying from 55 mph to 70 mph.  I first took note of the pickup truck when I saw that it was an LS.  I love LS model vehicles.  It had been driving just ahead of SMART and in the lane to the left.  I mashed SMART’s cute little  accelerator and pulled along side to give the little boy a better look at SMART.  For the next several minutes or so I sped up and slowed down as the  boy and SMART snapped pictures of one another.   The kid kept turning to his dad to show him the photos.   I, of course, don’t practice photography when I am driving.  Once SMART had filled up the memory stick in his camera he had me accelerate to full cruising speed. I never did get the truck’s email address. 

Three and a half hours later, as we were approaching the outer boundaries of Atlanta, SMART and I had an ‘out-of-mind’ experience.  As we were passing an interchange SMART called my attention to a Harley speeding down the entrance ramp, and pulling in fifty yards or so behind us.  A biker jacketed woman was sitting behind the bearded driver.  We continued this way for the next twenty minutes, when the biker abruptly moved to the left passing lane and came along side SMART and I.  The woman give both of us a strong thumbs up as I read her lips, ” I like the car, I like the car.”  The Harley then swiftly accelerated ahead of SMART.  WOW!.  I must be driving a real hottie! 

The biker and SMART continued on for another ten minutes, beginning to weave from lane to lane as I-85 morphed into a five / six lane intercity expressway.  I had already put the biker and his woman out of my mind when I was startled to see that they were once again shoulder high to SMART, in the next lane to our left.  Suddenly the female rider whipped a pocket digital camera out of her leather jacket and snapped a picture of SMART.  He blinked from the light of the flash.  Instinctively I reached for my camera to return the favor, but I was too late.  The Harley had sped off again. 

Nirvana.  We had been made by a ‘biker chick.’

 

Weighing In

This was a very traumatic week for both SMART and I, that was made none the easier by Delta Airlines.  When SMART heard several weeks ago that I was going to Clearwater Beach, FL for an East Division – Southern Region meeting he said ‘Me too, me too!”   Then, to my complete surprise, SMART said that he did not want to drive, he wanted to fly.   

I explained to the little fellow that with the changes in air travel security since 9-11, and now with sky rocketing price of crude oil negatively impacting the airlines profits to the point that they were adding multiple fees to the cost of a ticket, that it might not be possible for him to take his first flight in one of those big ‘iron birds’, but, that I would try to make it happen. 

Immediately, I phoned US Airways to inquire as to how I could best get a SMART Car on flight from Charlotte to Tampa.  After punching thirteen buttons as requested to do by the automated phone attendant, and then being placed on hold for a period of time that did not end, I hung up and called Delta. 

My first impulse was to take the cheap route and avoid purchasing a full fare ticket for SMART.   I inquired of Delta’s carry on policy on SMART Cars.  They said that they did not have any specific policy, and that I could carry on SMART, but that he would still have to fit in the overhead storage bins.  Nope, not a possibility.  SMART wanted his own seat. 

I then asked the Customer Service Agent about the possibility of purchasing a child’s priced coach ticket for SMART.   She responded that it might be possible, but that she would  first need to see a photo of a SMART Car.  She gave me her email address, and I immediately sent one of SMART’s better infant photos.   Ten seconds later the agent got the photo, and I got the answer that I did not want to hear.  Delta would allow me to purchase a child’s ticket for SMART, because he was younger than a year old, but because he was a two seat vehicle, I would need to buy two tickets.  Nope, I was not going to shell out that kind of money. 

My next option was to check SMART as a piece of luggage.  The agent said that I could check SMART, but there would be a service charge of $10.00 for every hundred pounds over seventy-five pounds.  SMART grimaced when he heard this, but he sucked it up, and said that he would be good for the additional cost of my ticket.  SMART is a penny pincher, that is obvious, so he immediately drove off to the nearest CAT Scale he could find to get his weight.  He wanted to know his costs.  At 2,315 pounds his part of my ticket would cost $244.00. 

Fast forwarding, the real tragedy of this story is Delta lost my luggage.  They think SMART is in Atlanta, but that is not a certainty.  I hope this saga does not end in a R.I.P.

 

Market Basket Survey

BK bombarded his entire Trade Marketing Team last week with CIG Decks, Nielsen Data, Trade Industry Studies, and Magazine articles coming out the wazoo, one of which was on the effects alcoholic beverage purchases on the size of market baskets.  Sometime on Wednesday I think, when I shot out of the house to review the Holiday Gift Pack Presentation  with my Cabarrus County ABC store managers, SMART drove into my office and downloaded a report on a Market Basket Survey.  It was conducted at Wal-Mart no less, the worlds largest retailer.   

Since SMART is the primary grocery shopper in our household, he was taken by all of the charts, data and jargon about how big a market basket can really be, especially if it contains a half dozen 1.5L Jack Black bottles.  SMART couldn’t wait to see the size of the market baskets at Wal-Mart. 

When I returned, smarty pants that he is, SMART told me a story about  having to go to the Courthouse to pay several outstanding traffic tickets.  I knew about them, they were from 2007.  In all three instances the issuing officers only wrote the tickets for half the legal fine, due to SMART claiming that he was only half a car. 

SMART is always getting all the milage that he can out of his diminutive size.  He has actually sent a letter to the Governor of North Carolina requesting that he be issued a HALF-SIZE tag that he can hang from his rear view mirror, like the handicap tags.  SMART wants to be able to legally park anywhere a bicycle or motor scooter can, plus he feels that he should be able to drive on sidewalks that are six feet or wider, obeying of course, the pedestrian speed limits. 

Did I loose my train of thought? Must have been the glass of LBD Syrah Rose’ nestled in my left hand. 

Net, net of SMART’s Market Basket Survey was that he was not allowed into the Wal-Mart due to EPA and OSHA restrictions on motorized V8 shopping buggies in confined areas. 

So now, I have a thirty six bushel, hemi-powered shopping cart in my driveway, and no place for SMART to use it. 

Perhaps, CostCo will open a new format SUPER store in Cabarrus County.

 

PODpeople

I took this photo of SMART and a group of PODpeople in Durham, NC.  I can tell that they are all obviously Dukies, because they do not look Preppy enough to be Tar Heels.  They swarmed around SMART no sooner than he had dropped his rear hatch looking for a pillow.  One was on a motorcycle, two came out of a pickup truck, and one from a electrical contractor’s truck.  Perhaps because I was distracted by all of the tattoos on the contractor, I did not see where the last PODperson came from. 

I must admit that this group of fans came up with some incredible questions of SMART and myself, including:

• Do you always sleep in a POD?
• Do you bring him in the house at night?
• Can you fit in a sleeping bag?
• Can that little thing have children?
• Did you find it under a Christmas Tree?

 
Anyhow, SMART had pulled off the road saying that we was fatigued from a long day of driving.  We had gone to Raleigh early that morning to do a photo shoot in Kroger #305 in North Raleigh.  SMART and I were working on a Kroger Manager Wine Training Program and we wanted to set some shots of an actual store set.  You can see the tripods and lights in SMART’s generously sized luggage area.  Kelly, The Wine Consultant at #305, thought that SMART was adorable.  He took some great phots of the German and French wine segments. 

After about 30 minutes of kibitzing I could see that SMART was really was tired.  How ironic that we had stopped a POD Hotel.  When all of the PODpeople had gone their way, I said good night to SMART, and I went across the street to the get a room at a Hampton Inn.  SMART plucked a couple of golden dollars into the ‘pay-as-you-sleep’ slot in the POD and retired for the evening.  (The POD Hotel is the only place that SMART will sleep.) 

I forgot to mention that the individuals pictured above are called PODpeople, not because they stay at POD Hotels, but rather because they are insane, fanatical, tripped out believers in SMART Cars, and especially nanoPOD, who you all know simply as SMART. 

 

 

SMART Apologizes

 

It must have been late last night when SMART sent his first video.  He misread the size of the file thinking that it was 12 MBs, when it actually  was 212 MBs, a huge mistake.  Hopefully, for some of you it did not take too long to download, while others did not receive it at all. 

SMART asked me to send this bonus photo and accept his apologizes for the faux pas.  This photo was taken at RCR while SMART was entertaining clients – REALLY!

 

SMART Shopping

Earlier this week SMART and I went to Durham, NC for a Bonterra Ad Agency meeting, big steak dinner that evening, and a whirlwind look at grocery stores the following day.  SMART went bonkers when he saw the adorable shopping carts at the first Kroger store.  In fact, I was barely out of the passenger seat, as he dashed to the far side of the parking lot and scarffed up his favorite color of kiddy POD shopping buggy, and was on his way in the store. 

I almost ‘freaked’ in front of the rest of the survey team, but how could I possibly get angry at SMART.  We followed him in, saw what we had to, and then left to see the rest of the market.  (I had to ride in some kind of wildly big SUV think.) 

When I returned several hours later SMART was sobbing uncontrollably in front of the store.  He had run through his entire box of tissues trying to dry the tears of a broken heart.  It seems as though the ’smarty pants.’ ‘over-educated,’ ‘blue-blooded,’ residents of Durham treated SMART like some kind of alien from NC State. 

From what I could drag out of SMART, he was in the store less than ten minutes when he was literally pushed back out the same door he came in by insults, engineering slurs, snide remarks, and every kind of unimaginable four letter word known to mankind.  He felt so ‘un-American.’ 

SMART entered the store with all of the innocent enthusiasm of a child, and excited that he was doing the family grocery shopping for the week.  His world however, soon crashed. 

As he pushed his buggy down the cereal aisle a snide pre-teenaged boy punched SMART in the nose and wanted to know what cereal box he had come out of.  The Seafood Manager asked SMART if he could swim, or just float.   A little girl in the school supply aisle remarked to her mother, but loud enough for SMART to hear, “Mommy, Mommy, I am afraid of that big pencil sharpener.” 

The Dairy Manager quipped to smart, ” I know you look like and egg, but can you cook an omelet?”   In the Pet Department two teenaged twin girls were going at it with each other as to whether or not that‘nanoPOD’  thing was a big dog bone, or a cat toy.  The store’s co-manager kicked SMART in his side to see if he was made of plastic or metal. (It’s plastic.) 

But, the cruelest cut of all came from a diminutive little old lady, who herself was putzing around the store in an electrified wheel chair type shopping cart.  She pulled right out in front of a terrified SMART and brazenly asked him if he was one of those machines that went up and down the aisles cleaning and polishing the floor.    And that if he was, she wanted him to know that she did not like shopping when he was in the store.

 

Sideways

I took SMART to his first movie last week, an IMAX version of Sideways, and he was blown away to learn that Pinot Noir was a more noble wine than his preferred Cabernet Sauvignon.  On the way home he had me stop at a wine shop, and he ran in and purchased Sanford Pinot Noir (because he saw it in the movie), a case of Michel Picard, Puligny Montrachet Villages, 2005,  a Fetzer Pinot Noir (French of course),  and a huge 3L bottle of Jekel from Monterey. 

We were still  returning from the drive in theater, when SMART was on his in-car mobile calling some of his friends and inviting them to a Sideways Party in the Doonan’s standard width, two car garage.  Even on such short notice a number of his friends did come over.   As he always does, SMART parked East facing France, as I set about decorating the room.  For those of you who may be unaware, SMART, while engineered by the Germans, is actually of French nationality, having been born in ‘Smartville’ near the Lorraine Regional town of Hambach, just across the broader from Germany. (We will fill you in on a Swatch connection at a later date.) 

Pate’ was the first to arrive.  She is the goose wearing the yellow hat.   Edith Piaf, was all over the invitation.  She scootered over as soon as she was finished with her pedicure, bath and blow dry.   Doesn’t she look adorable sitting under the sunflower?   None of us knew who the frog was, but with the swimming gear we guessed that he was has a relative of Jacques Cousteau. 

SMART excused me for not attending the party, which was mostly due to the fact that I was busy taking the official Sideways Party photos. 

The wine flowed till the wee hours of the morning.  Edith indulged herself so much in every new bottle of Pinot Noir opened (there were fourteen in all), that she was unable to drive home, and had to sleep in SMART’s luggage compartment. 

I can’t fathom where SMART gets all of his energy, but more power to him. 

 

Sales Blitz

Last week, when I was in Louisville doing an S&I (Strategy and Ideation), was the first time that SMART and I had been separated since birth.  I was, however, texting SMART like a mad dog all week and keeping him up-to-date on all of our brand plans for FY10, especially Bolla and Little Black Dress.   

When I got back home Friday a week ago, SMART absolutely blew me away with his appreciation for my job as a sales and marketing manager, and what it means to be pro-active.  SMART had already packed my bags and Hartmann briefcases, stopped by our wine distributor for samples, gassed up with petrol,  threw in some 3L Finlandia for good measure, and set the Garmin for West Virginia.  WE WERE GOING TO DO AN OLD FASHION WINE BLITZ, in coal country no less. 

SMART suggested that we split our time 50/50 between retail and on premise accounts, with him taking the lead and going into (literally into) every account first, with me covering his back.  I warned SMART go easy on any reluctant accounts, but rather to charm them with his over-the-top sensibilities. 

And yes, everything you see above did fit into SMART’s rear luggage storage compartment, with the exception of one bottle of Finlandia, which SMART poured into his gas tank. (More on that next week.) 

PS – The case of Gala Rouge Pinot Noir was not for samples or for sale.  SMART wanted it for gift giving should we meet any Parisians in Wheeling. 
PPS – The green Fetzer tubs are filled with recycled SMART air conditioning oxygen vapors.  Go figure. 
PPPS – Can you find the 1980s vintage 35mm Fetzer slide projector?