The woman of the house wears the financial pants in our family, and she does not miss a beat to save a buck.  For instance, let me tell you what she did to avoid paying our local Mercedes dealer the normal slew of delivery charges, dealer prep fees, local and state taxes, destination processing fees, first tank of gas charge, and daily parking fees.  Brittany (that is a fictitious name), ordered SMART for me, and she found a way to order him Factory Direct. 

I was closely watching Brittany April last (2007), and I can honestly tell you now that she spent three weeks, nine days, thirty-two hours, and fifty-nine minutes surfing the Goggle International Yellow Pages for a way to purchase a SMART Car, and not have to pay more than $299 dollars in delivery fees.  Bless her heart, she was ecstatic when she came across an internet company in Liechtenstein that specializes in shipping oversized packages to rich Americans.  SMART qualified as the oversized package, I do not know how, but Brittany had to lie about being a rich American (She is married to me), but she got the job done.  The company, OMATW,  is run by a retired Swiss Army Special Forces Major, his American wife, and both of their mothers.  OMATW is short for one man and three women.   

Brittany wired Euros in the exact amount of the French Factory Showroom FOB, plus $299 to OMATW.  They promised to make the SMART purchase avoiding any additional government fees and taxes because of their special government status as a, two mother-in-law burdened company.   

On delivery the UPS Freight driver was great.  He put the wheels back on SMART before he pulled the vehicle out of the truck, and even sprayed air freshener in the cabin area.  Mercedes ships SMARTs without their wheels on in order to gain eight inches of height per vehicle.  This enables them to stack SMARTS twenty seven cars high in the container ships, thus reducing UPS shipping fees.  The wheels are stored for transit in the oversized cargo area of each car. 

After I let Calvin take a quick spin in SMART he was off to his next stop, and I dashed into the house to write this story.

I received a phone call on Tuesday of this week, when SMART was at the fitness center working off a few spare pounds,  from KW inquiring as to whether or not  SMART and I use a ghost writer to pen our weekly travel adventures.  I was aghast that KW had the audacity to ask such a question.  Absolutely not, I responded.  SMART and I travel together, and we write together – alone.  I explained to KW that since SMART’s full name is ‘SMART for Two’, that there was no room for a ghost writer to travel with us.  Besides, SMART has his own pocket thesaurus and dictionary of American slang. 

SMART, in fact, is fluent in four languages, English, French, Italian, and his native German, having studied prose at the Sorbonne in Paris, and  I once took a correspondence course in correspondence. 

As I was about to say, SMART and I made our first excursion to Atlanta this Sunday past, and as one might expect, we attracted much attention.  The photo above was three minutes in the making and was shot at speeds varying from 55 mph to 70 mph.  I first took note of the pickup truck when I saw that it was an LS.  I love LS model vehicles.  It had been driving just ahead of SMART and in the lane to the left.  I mashed SMART’s cute little  accelerator and pulled along side to give the little boy a better look at SMART.  For the next several minutes or so I sped up and slowed down as the  boy and SMART snapped pictures of one another.   The kid kept turning to his dad to show him the photos.   I, of course, don’t practice photography when I am driving.  Once SMART had filled up the memory stick in his camera he had me accelerate to full cruising speed. I never did get the truck’s email address. 

Three and a half hours later, as we were approaching the outer boundaries of Atlanta, SMART and I had an ‘out-of-mind’ experience.  As we were passing an interchange SMART called my attention to a Harley speeding down the entrance ramp, and pulling in fifty yards or so behind us.  A biker jacketed woman was sitting behind the bearded driver.  We continued this way for the next twenty minutes, when the biker abruptly moved to the left passing lane and came along side SMART and I.  The woman give both of us a strong thumbs up as I read her lips, ” I like the car, I like the car.”  The Harley then swiftly accelerated ahead of SMART.  WOW!.  I must be driving a real hottie! 

The biker and SMART continued on for another ten minutes, beginning to weave from lane to lane as I-85 morphed into a five / six lane intercity expressway.  I had already put the biker and his woman out of my mind when I was startled to see that they were once again shoulder high to SMART, in the next lane to our left.  Suddenly the female rider whipped a pocket digital camera out of her leather jacket and snapped a picture of SMART.  He blinked from the light of the flash.  Instinctively I reached for my camera to return the favor, but I was too late.  The Harley had sped off again. 

Nirvana.  We had been made by a ‘biker chick.’

This was a very traumatic week for both SMART and I, that was made none the easier by Delta Airlines.  When SMART heard several weeks ago that I was going to Clearwater Beach, FL for an East Division – Southern Region meeting he said ‘Me too, me too!”   Then, to my complete surprise, SMART said that he did not want to drive, he wanted to fly.   

I explained to the little fellow that with the changes in air travel security since 9-11, and now with sky rocketing price of crude oil negatively impacting the airlines profits to the point that they were adding multiple fees to the cost of a ticket, that it might not be possible for him to take his first flight in one of those big ‘iron birds’, but, that I would try to make it happen. 

Immediately, I phoned US Airways to inquire as to how I could best get a SMART Car on flight from Charlotte to Tampa.  After punching thirteen buttons as requested to do by the automated phone attendant, and then being placed on hold for a period of time that did not end, I hung up and called Delta. 

My first impulse was to take the cheap route and avoid purchasing a full fare ticket for SMART.   I inquired of Delta’s carry on policy on SMART Cars.  They said that they did not have any specific policy, and that I could carry on SMART, but that he would still have to fit in the overhead storage bins.  Nope, not a possibility.  SMART wanted his own seat. 

I then asked the Customer Service Agent about the possibility of purchasing a child’s priced coach ticket for SMART.   She responded that it might be possible, but that she would  first need to see a photo of a SMART Car.  She gave me her email address, and I immediately sent one of SMART’s better infant photos.   Ten seconds later the agent got the photo, and I got the answer that I did not want to hear.  Delta would allow me to purchase a child’s ticket for SMART, because he was younger than a year old, but because he was a two seat vehicle, I would need to buy two tickets.  Nope, I was not going to shell out that kind of money. 

My next option was to check SMART as a piece of luggage.  The agent said that I could check SMART, but there would be a service charge of $10.00 for every hundred pounds over seventy-five pounds.  SMART grimaced when he heard this, but he sucked it up, and said that he would be good for the additional cost of my ticket.  SMART is a penny pincher, that is obvious, so he immediately drove off to the nearest CAT Scale he could find to get his weight.  He wanted to know his costs.  At 2,315 pounds his part of my ticket would cost $244.00. 

Fast forwarding, the real tragedy of this story is Delta lost my luggage.  They think SMART is in Atlanta, but that is not a certainty.  I hope this saga does not end in a R.I.P.

BK bombarded his entire Trade Marketing Team last week with CIG Decks, Nielsen Data, Trade Industry Studies, and Magazine articles coming out the wazoo, one of which was on the effects alcoholic beverage purchases on the size of market baskets.  Sometime on Wednesday I think, when I shot out of the house to review the Holiday Gift Pack Presentation  with my Cabarrus County ABC store managers, SMART drove into my office and downloaded a report on a Market Basket Survey.  It was conducted at Wal-Mart no less, the worlds largest retailer.   

Since SMART is the primary grocery shopper in our household, he was taken by all of the charts, data and jargon about how big a market basket can really be, especially if it contains a half dozen 1.5L Jack Black bottles.  SMART couldn’t wait to see the size of the market baskets at Wal-Mart. 

When I returned, smarty pants that he is, SMART told me a story about  having to go to the Courthouse to pay several outstanding traffic tickets.  I knew about them, they were from 2007.  In all three instances the issuing officers only wrote the tickets for half the legal fine, due to SMART claiming that he was only half a car. 

SMART is always getting all the milage that he can out of his diminutive size.  He has actually sent a letter to the Governor of North Carolina requesting that he be issued a HALF-SIZE tag that he can hang from his rear view mirror, like the handicap tags.  SMART wants to be able to legally park anywhere a bicycle or motor scooter can, plus he feels that he should be able to drive on sidewalks that are six feet or wider, obeying of course, the pedestrian speed limits. 

Did I loose my train of thought? Must have been the glass of LBD Syrah Rose’ nestled in my left hand. 

Net, net of SMART’s Market Basket Survey was that he was not allowed into the Wal-Mart due to EPA and OSHA restrictions on motorized V8 shopping buggies in confined areas. 

So now, I have a thirty six bushel, hemi-powered shopping cart in my driveway, and no place for SMART to use it. 

Perhaps, CostCo will open a new format SUPER store in Cabarrus County.